I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
Randomize
