I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
areolas are like halos for boobs.
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
My goal this weekend is to get a number that goes with the penis I take him.
Aspirations
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
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