one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
Mid thrust, say hold on I need a pic for my friend.
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