Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
There was so much of it... it was like he poured a bowl of pudding on my face. It's not bad for your hair is it?
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
okay, please tell me Cammy is the one who put the picture and note on my desk saying "beat off to this homeboy"
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
We did it to 80's cardio music. Talk about a workout.
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
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