I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
well the hot one passed out so thats that, but then the fat one made chicken nuggets....totally worth it
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
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