If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
why is there an outline of nathan's body on my wall in whip cream?
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
