Your mouth is God's brothel.
we got sick of 7 11 doubles so we made up a game where you just drink when anyone rolls a 5
thats barely a game just flip a coin
should we drink on heads or tails?
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
his butt looks cute in my panties so i decided he has to wear panties all the time from now on.
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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