I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
whispering "taste the rainbow" well having sex isn't my biggest turn on.
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
I think my moral compass just broke
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