Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
Randomize
