You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
I'll pick u up. I have to buy a new sofa cover anyway. I swear I've never seem a girl cum like that before.
Randomize
