apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
Sangria Flip Cup was probably one of our worse drunken decisions
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
Randomize
