This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
I have now added draft and wells specials that different bars have to my blackberry calendar.. Help me.
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
Randomize
