the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
Zip lining have a big frozedn drink with 151 rum chippendale pic life is GREAT
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
My butt remains clenched, sir.
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
How many Hail Marys does a girl need to say to get some quality nudes?
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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