i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
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