I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
I must say your penis is just as photogenic as you
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
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