There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
She's the barista slut.
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
Never joke about your clitoris.
Randomize
