THEY JUST PLAYED KISS FROM A ROSE TONIGHT IS PERFECT
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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