Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
At least your nickname is not Plunge Slut and that nickname is not in a published thesis work
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
I think i got my first booty call. it was like she came to my house. sex. leave.
Congratulations. Welcome to the wonderful world of quick dirty secret sexy time.
thanks... i think. haha
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
