dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Randomize
