It's Friday. Sex?
I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
Why does Jon Cryer have a career?
That is a good question.
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
Randomize