Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
I pour the whiskey from now on
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Randomize
