My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
sick fucks of a feather flock together
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
Randomize
