Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
Blow job season was short but glorious.
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
She is still drunk from the night before, sitting here eating KFC mashed potatoes and drinking Arbor Mist before Anatomy lab.
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
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