He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
I would rather contract a disease that would eat me from the inside out and make me suffer painfully while it slowly killed me than to put myself through the 20 minutes of agony that is having sex with you ever ever again.
I think you're talking dirty but I'm not sure???
Randomize
