The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
At victory brunch. Have a decent story. Im now eskimo brother with the duke mens basketball teams from 2002 to 2008 and obamas right hand man
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize
