things it involved: vodka, boy parts, possible photos of me on a cell phone. things it did NOT involve last night: my bra, his pants, and sobriety.
you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
All of her cloths were on our coffee table this morning. The only things she left with last night were her shoes and Scott
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
Sometimes I just want to kiss you without you pulling ur cock out and waving it at me
just blew him in the library. I am a classy dame
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