just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
Please God, is a penis possibly making it to vagina town to much to ask for tonight.
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
nothing like walking in the house at 3 am in my panties and a sheer shirt carrying a life sized cardboard dale earnhardt jr
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
I feel like i'm being yelled at when you type in all caps.Did you just have bad sex?
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
