My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
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