oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
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