He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
So Monday we're lesbians.
Deal. This decision is final and any rebates on this will result in losing an eyeball.
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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