I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
Randomize
