There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
Randomize