i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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