Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
