Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
He makes me want to cheat on my other 3 boyfriends..
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
Randomize
