Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
My day in three words: secret purse cake
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
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