I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
I think the pivotal moment was when we used the see and say as a drinking game with shots of whiskey. It was all downhill after that.
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
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