So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
Randomize
