I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
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