I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
Maybe just the first 2 wks of Nov can be dick detox.
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Randomize
