listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
Randomize
