His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
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