could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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