I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
Just found my old bop it. So many drinking game possibilities
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
Randomize
