the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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