Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
You know that bakery that Sandra Bullock's sister owns?
The one in Montpelier?
yeah, well it doesn't exist anymore. VT's one fucking claim to fame closed.
dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
how can i change my meal plan to a keystone plan?
Would we rather be in rehab with the drug addicts or the girls with low self esteem?
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
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