If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
yeah that pretty much nipped itself in the bud when I realized i could see her whiteheads glowing in the blacklight
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Randomize
