I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
So many stories. To uyou are sober. I heart you though. Jesus. Dirrty dancing jusyt came oine!!no. Lie.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
Just think Febushuary. A whole month of 70's esque bush! This is the dream
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
Randomize
