I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
Hhhaaa He said Peanutburter disinfect lol. Like peanut butter can disinfect stuff. None of those guys are safe
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
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