I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
Currently studying Econ, while waiting outside current booty call's residence for him to return from the strip club. This is your fault.
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
My favorite part was screaming to all my life by kc and jojo and just horribly failing
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
