I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
Just a heads up: The party is Fourth of July themed. Spread the word
dude its may
Work with me here, man.
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
