I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
I don't want to talk about it but I will say, that was the best two headed $68 blowjob. Ever.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
Randomize
