What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
Inquiring minds want to know if your Bf is circumcised
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
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