Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
I traded him cumming in my face for a year for a Disney annual pass. One giant leap back for feminism, one small step for the adult child Disney fan.
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
Randomize
