I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
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