i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
bang him and never speak to him again. also, queef in his face.
i dont this its possible to queef on command.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
They past out watching a re-run of the 1984 presidential debate on cspan
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
Randomize
