I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
Randomize
