the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
