I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
If she's telling you consent laws theres probably a reason
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
Randomize
