My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
in a basement doing blow off a prince dvd next to a chick in a saddam mask
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
He made me choke him and call him Papi..so all in all a good night.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
Randomize
