if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
Someone told me they could tell we were from cincinnati because we say "as fuck" after adjectives
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
You were drunk at 5 You went to the dining hall and cried because your brain and fingers weren't working. Your RA came up to you and suddenly you became sober. I was very proud of you.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
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