God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
Randomize
