awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
Kind of a slow process. Played 9 holes with her yesterday. Wish one of them was hers
My boyfriend cheated on me...what do I do?! :( JK IM BREAKIN UP WIT DAT
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
at the topless march for equality..and wow.not all these boobs should be treated equally
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
