I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
Gees I domt know what your deal was. You kept looking at Nick and shaking your head frantically and doing a weird motion with your hands
Tgat was the small dick alert
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
Randomize
