I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
On a toatally unrelated note, I see music in my hair
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
