Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
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