so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
Randomize
