i hate sounding clingy, but i just wanted to verify i wasn't an asshole in your mind
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
