before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
Randomize
